Monday, January 25, 2010

President Reveals Ambitiouse Time Travel Agenda in State of the Union

Washington--In his first state of the union address President Obama offered a surprisingly critical assessment of his first year as president, claiming that the stimulus was "too small ,like George Castanzas penis after a swim in the pool" and that his attempt to reform the nation's health care system was a "monumental cluster fuck." Obama dweled further on the matter stating "I thought that if I just sat back and said reassuring shit about bi-partisanship and vague bullshit about what health care reform would look like, that this collection of sociopath lawyers we call congress could get a reform bill passed in a timely manner. Fuck, I even thought town meetings would be venues for real question and answer sessions instead of places for aged, uneducated white trash to yell about socialism while they collect social security checks...and just when it seems like we're gonna get this bitch passed through congress, the Massachusetts fucking Democrats lose a fucking special election to another fucking republican who wants to show everyone his dick. Hallyfuckinglula! All because they had to run John Kerry's tranny cousin instead of someone who did not bore and repulse everyone in the fucking state."

Following the unusually blunt and expletive laden tyrade concerning the state of his presidency, Obama revealed his plan to resuscitate both the Democratic Party and the nation. Obama's plan calls for 100 billion dollars to be spent on a time machine. Once completed, the president shall travel back in time to 1993 in order to warn the newly sworn in President Clinton about the catastrophes that await the nation; the failure to pass health care reform, the repeal of the Glass Steigal Act, the bubble economy of the 2000's, and September 11th. Obama hopes that the changes to the timeline will allow him to return to the present as president of a much more peaceful and prosperous United States. Immediate Repulican response was critical with Michelle Bachman of Minnesota stating: "this sounds very expensive...instead of spending billions of dollars trying to achieve time travel through science, we should look to magic...all we need to do is capture a leprechaun or a genie and force him to grant our time travel wish."Concerning the possibility that he may arrive from the past to find a United States that is not any better off, Obama stated "If things are not any better than I'll time travel one more time to tell my parents to immigrate to Canada so I can watch this right wing hellhole go third world from the Prime Ministers office in Ottatwa...suck on that you shit eating teabaggers!"

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