Monday, March 8, 2010

Post-Ocar Night Ruminations

I fucking hate award shows. There is a definite self indulgent quality to an industry honoring itself in a lavish production broadcast around the world and the bullshit that is used to draw out what should be a simple process over several hours just makes events like the Oscars unwatchable to me. It also does not help that the selection of films tends to be biased towards films released late in the year and the choices of both nominees and winners often mystify me. So yeah , I don't care much for the Oscars and never watch it. I watched a movie on DVD and then caught some syndicated Seinfeld reruns.

So the Hurtlocker beat Avatar eh? I have not seen the Hurtlocker so I can't judge whether it is really a good movie or not, but it strike me as a better choice for best picture than Avatar which I have also not seen. Wait a minute? You didn't see Avatar? Don't you like scifi films? You are a space cadet are you not? Well yes, I am but there is something about Avatar that really turns me off. Besides the ridiculous hype and popularity it just strikes me as dumb movie that overly relies on new technology. If Avatar was not being hyped up as the Jazz Singer of 3D, would it be anywhere near as popular as it is? If it was not in 3D would people be leaving this film depressed that it is over? I somehow doubt it.

3D is of course a gimmick(and not a new one) to get people into the theaters in an era where theatrical films face greater competition from home entertainment. There is nothing new in this. When tv first started catching on they started making movies in wider aspect ratios (try watching Ben Hur letter boxed on an old 4:3 tv) and you had experiments with larger screen formats like Cinerama. This brings to mind another sci fi film, 2001 A Space Odyssey. Like Avatar (I suppose) 2001 is a film that really is made for a theater and I imagine watching it in Cinerama would be a real treat. Watching it on an old square tv hooked up to a VCR would simply not do because 2001 truly is visual and aural storytelling. There really is not much in the way of characterization and dialogue ( though there a few memorable lines uttered by a certain famous computer). That does not mean that the film lacks a story though. It is in fact one of the best science fiction stories ever filmed. It is a very unusual story that spans millions of years and in the end leaves quite a lot open to interpretation by the audience, but it is also an original story that had not been seen a million times at the time of its making and I have a hard time thinking of any films since that have really tried to do what 2001 did.

So what is Avatar's story about? Well I haven't seen it, but going from the trailer it does not strike me as a movie with much going on that isn't seen in the trailer. It is obviously a rip off of Dances with Wolves with weird looking blue aliens in place of Indians. It is obvious that the cigar chomping marine general piloting the mech is the bad guy. It is clear that there is going to be a battle between the blue people and the marines. It seems probable that since this film is appealing to commercial sentiment,that the blue people will win despite being primitives armed with spears going up against U.S. Marines armed with machine guns, mechs, and helicopter gun ships. I also imagine the that the film depicts the blue aliens as stereotypical noble savages who live in perfect harmony with nature. I don't hate Dances with Wolves, but I don't need to a see a cgi version of it with a weaker story and acting glossed up with 3D and with a bunch of gaia crap thrown in that makes me want to eat an Orca to compensate.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Obama Offers Balls in Exchange for Bi-Partisan Health Bill

Washington-In an unprecedented move, President Barack Obama has offered to have his testicles surgically removed and preserved in a jar as a gift for the Republican leadership if they agree to vote for health care. "So many people have been saying I have no balls I figure I might as well just leave no doubt in people's mind about whats under my belt." GOP leaders were intrigued by the offer, but feel it does not go far enough. John Boiner stated "I am most definitely interested in this, a set of negro genitals in a jar would look great situated next to my jarred pig fetus and shrunken head, but I cannot accept this offer unless Obama includes his ding dong as well.

Obama responded hours later, stating "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put my foot down when it comes to my penis. I need that thing for marital relations." Michael Steel released a statement two hours later claiming that Obama's comments were full of misinformation. "Castrated men cannot fuck" claimed Steel. Obama shot back a day later stating "look, it is true that men who are castrated lose some of their libido, but many men who are castrated after puberty are still capable of holding an erection, even with lower testosterone levels. I am willing to compromise and have my penis circumcised and let them have the foreskin, but that is where I draw the line."

"Huh he's not already circumcised? Jeez I hope he washes that thing thoroughly before Michele goes down on it. Anyway I and most other Americans must insist that the president cease denying Americans what is rightfully theirs. Foreskin and testicles is not enough. We want black cock!" said Senator John McCain during a bi-partisan health care conference. "Look, you guys don't even want my penis, your thinking it is huge based on stereotypes about black people, but I assure you I have a very small penis that would not look at all impressive pickled in a jar" said the president. McCain responded "don't be condescending, I've seen black penises of all sizes, it is the principle of this thing, not the length and girth." Recent polling indicates that ten percent of Americans want the president to have his testicles surgically removed. Another 15 percent favor removing both the penis and the testicles. Another 9 percent favor circumcision and castration. The remainder of the respondents replied to the question, What the Fuck!

Rahm Emmanuel Evil Jewish Wizard According to Sources

Washington-There have been a flurry of reports and editorials concerning White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel and his impact upon White House policy. None however is as explosive as this story News From Hell has obtained from an anonymous source somewhere in the District of Columbia. According to this source, Rahm Emmanuel is a devotee of the dark side of Kabalic mysticism and is holding the Obamas in a Rasputin like grip. It began before Obama even took office when Rahm began acting as a medium between Obama and his recently deceased mother. Rahm's control over the Obama family grew complete when Malia Obama was tragically mauled to death by Bo Obama sometime last Spring. Distraught, Obama brought his daughter's shattered corpse to Emanuele's underground layer. The Hebrew wizard agreed to resurrect Malia in exchange for a sacrifice-to resurrect Malia single payer health insurance was to be abandoned. Obama is not the only Democratic politician in Emanuel's grip, it is reported that every fortnight Nancy Pelosi slinks into the crypt of Rahm to beg for more of a magical potion that prevents her face from blowing off whenever there is strong gust of wind.