SOTU Analyses: Who Farted And What Does it Mean?

Washington--A full day after President Obama's historic first state of the union address the nation is abuzz over an burst of flatulence heard during the speech. The implications are staggering, as an audible fart has not occurred in a joint session of congress since the nineteenth century and never during a state of the union address.

Was it an accidental fart? Was it a fart of glee from a supporter too overridden by a stirring speech to hold in their fart any longer? Or was it a deliberate fart of defiance? To get the bottom of the question (so to speak), we put the full technological resources of our NFH newsroom to the task of determining the origin point of the fart. By analysing variouse recourdings of the speech from differnet parts of the chamber, we have determined that there is a 90% certainty that the fart originated from the seated Supreme Court Justices. Was it indeed a fart of defiance let out by Justice Alito as he visibly said "not true" to the president? Or was it a more innocent fart from Justice Sottomayor or Justice Ginsburg? We may never know the true origin of the fart heard around the world, but there is one thing that we can be certain of. The fact that Obama, despite being heralded as a great orator , has been drowned out by a single brief wisp of flatulence in our coverage of his speech clearly demonstrates what a colossal failure he is.

Breaking News: James O'Keefe Releases Statement

New Orleans--James O'Keefe, a conservative activist recently arrested for allegedly attempting to bug a Senator's office phone has released the following statement: Greetings my fellow Americans. Right now there is probably a lot of shit flinging around in blog land about me and my comrades. Claims that we are a gang of out of touch, privileged, young Republicans who seriously thought that we could get away with tapping the phone of a US Senator. Accusations that we are not serious investigative reporters, but partisan hacks looking to embarrass Democrats.

The truth is as follows. Yes, we did attempt to bug the office phone of Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu. Contrary to recent reports, we did not do this in order to try to expose any wrongdoing or embarrassing behavior on the part of the senator. We also knew full well that what we did would eventually get us all arrested and charged with federal crimes. You see America, we want to go to prison and this was the most harmless way we could think of to get ourselves locked away for five to ten years.

We are not partisan hacks. My comrades and I are genuinely concerned about all abuses committed against society by the powerful and if there is a place where big government, big labor, and big business combine to create hell on earth, it is prison. We are treading into the lair of the beast to expose it. We do this at great risk to ourselves because we are patriots dedicated to bringing to the truth to the American people.

Freedom!!!!!!!!!

DougJ is Kind of a Douchebag When You Get Right Down to It

I don’t like DougJ. He hogs too much of John Cole's blog with his posts, he’s not as smart or cute as he thinks he is, he’s smug, and the only thing that saves Balloon Juice from being a bore are John Cole and the funny commentators. I don’t expect any of you to agree with me about this. I’m just calling it like I see it.

His post calling John Stewart a douchebag for not being an knee jerk lefty and meeting his vague standards of humor has to be considered one of Balloon Juice's lowest moments at this point

Progresive Voters Shocked to Find Obama is Really Bill Clinton in Black Face

Washington--A full year after the historic election of America's first African American President, many former supporters have made a shocking discovery, that Barrack Obama is in fact William Jefferson Clinton in black face. The strangely late discovery has left many progressives devastated. David Millman, an Austin, Texas based artist has been left curling up in a fetal position most nights, cursing the cruel God that birthed him. "I should have known from the beginning" he said mournfully from his rusted up VW bus. "I had some suspicions when I saw that Joker poster of Obama, but I just assumed the resemblance to Clinton was coincidental...then I heard he wanted a spending freeze and when I looked at the picture it hit me, he's fucking Bill Clinton in black face! Bill who ended welfare as we knew it and forced me to work at K-mart to support myself. I helped that devil get elected president again".

Anessa Finkelstein, an 20 year old college student who was a first time voter in 2008 is similarly devastated. "I spent all this time campaigning for what I thought was an awesome Black Muslim who would legalize gay marriage and pot, end war and enact single payer health insurance. I used to taunt all my pro-Hilary friends about how they were voting for a greedy power hungry bitch who was part of the evil establishment, while Obama was like a superhero out to save the whales. God do I feel stupid. I will never vote again. For all I care Sarah Palin can be president and do whatever she wants to do, it can't be worse than four more years under the Clintons."

The recent discovery has produced major outbursts in the blogosphere and on MSNBC, but it has also sadly cost the life of one former Obama supporter. Early yesterday the Obamagirl who campaigned for Obama on Youtube was found dead from self inflicted knife wounds. She is reputed to have written "I'm no Fucking Monica" in her own blood before expiring.

Obligatory Star Trek Post

Obviously going by my first post and some of the listed links I am a Star Trek fan. So what did I think of the new movie? Basically, I liked it. One plus of this film is that it is obviously the biggest budget Trek film since probably the first one, but what really makes the movie work is the casting and the focus on the characters of Kirk and Spock. This film really does a pretty good job of exploring the dynamic between these two iconic characters, while also being an exciting action flick.

Things I'm less pleased with are the plot and the villains. Nero was pretty lacking as a villain. He lacked the kind of villainous presence that Kahn exuded in Star Trek II and frankly I think even some pretty weak villains from past films like Krugg from Star Trek III were better than Nero. His motivation also seemed kind of weak. So he is mad at Spock for trying to save Romulus from destruction and failing? So if Spock did jack shit would Nero be cool with him even though his planet was space dust?

Also the science of the whole scenario made no sense. I'm not in any remote sense a scientist, and even I know that a star going nova would not threaten an entire galaxy. Also when you get down to it, the plot is full of Star Trek movie cliches (time travel, villain seeking to destroy the earth, the Enterprise being more or less invincible while the rest of Star Fleet gets taken down by Nero in two minutes or something, etc). There are also some minor things like the engine room design and the product placement for Nokia and Budweiser, but I can't say these things really affect the overall quality of the film.

How does this movie stack up in the gran scheme of Trek? Well, I still like Wrath of Kahn, The Undiscovered Country, and First Contact more than this movie. Therefore I would rank this movie #4 out of 11 Trek films. Overall, I think Star Trek is lucky that it got this reboot because while it is flawed, things could have been far worse. I just hope that next time Abrams and Orci come up with a more original and interesting plot.

Me No Understand.

I don't get why Modern Family is so wildly popular with critics. Don't get me wrong, it is kinda funny and the idea of a sitcom about an extended multicultural family is a good one, but there are a lot of other shows that I find much funnier. Honestly even The Middle, despite being a ripoff of Malcolm in the Middle makes me laugh more than this show. Hmmm....maybe the problem is the show is too syrupy for my taste? Every episode seems to end with everybody hugging and I really do prefer my tv families to be very dysfunctional (think Arrested Development).

President Reveals Ambitiouse Time Travel Agenda in State of the Union

Washington--In his first state of the union address President Obama offered a surprisingly critical assessment of his first year as president, claiming that the stimulus was "too small ,like George Castanzas penis after a swim in the pool" and that his attempt to reform the nation's health care system was a "monumental cluster fuck." Obama dweled further on the matter stating "I thought that if I just sat back and said reassuring shit about bi-partisanship and vague bullshit about what health care reform would look like, that this collection of sociopath lawyers we call congress could get a reform bill passed in a timely manner. Fuck, I even thought town meetings would be venues for real question and answer sessions instead of places for aged, uneducated white trash to yell about socialism while they collect social security checks...and just when it seems like we're gonna get this bitch passed through congress, the Massachusetts fucking Democrats lose a fucking special election to another fucking republican who wants to show everyone his dick. Hallyfuckinglula! All because they had to run John Kerry's tranny cousin instead of someone who did not bore and repulse everyone in the fucking state."

Following the unusually blunt and expletive laden tyrade concerning the state of his presidency, Obama revealed his plan to resuscitate both the Democratic Party and the nation. Obama's plan calls for 100 billion dollars to be spent on a time machine. Once completed, the president shall travel back in time to 1993 in order to warn the newly sworn in President Clinton about the catastrophes that await the nation; the failure to pass health care reform, the repeal of the Glass Steigal Act, the bubble economy of the 2000's, and September 11th. Obama hopes that the changes to the timeline will allow him to return to the present as president of a much more peaceful and prosperous United States. Immediate Repulican response was critical with Michelle Bachman of Minnesota stating: "this sounds very expensive...instead of spending billions of dollars trying to achieve time travel through science, we should look to magic...all we need to do is capture a leprechaun or a genie and force him to grant our time travel wish."Concerning the possibility that he may arrive from the past to find a United States that is not any better off, Obama stated "If things are not any better than I'll time travel one more time to tell my parents to immigrate to Canada so I can watch this right wing hellhole go third world from the Prime Ministers office in Ottatwa...suck on that you shit eating teabaggers!"