Obama Offers Balls in Exchange for Bi-Partisan Health Bill

Washington-In an unprecedented move, President Barack Obama has offered to have his testicles surgically removed and preserved in a jar as a gift for the Republican leadership if they agree to vote for health care. "So many people have been saying I have no balls I figure I might as well just leave no doubt in people's mind about whats under my belt." GOP leaders were intrigued by the offer, but feel it does not go far enough. John Boiner stated "I am most definitely interested in this, a set of negro genitals in a jar would look great situated next to my jarred pig fetus and shrunken head, but I cannot accept this offer unless Obama includes his ding dong as well.

Obama responded hours later, stating "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put my foot down when it comes to my penis. I need that thing for marital relations." Michael Steel released a statement two hours later claiming that Obama's comments were full of misinformation. "Castrated men cannot fuck" claimed Steel. Obama shot back a day later stating "look, it is true that men who are castrated lose some of their libido, but many men who are castrated after puberty are still capable of holding an erection, even with lower testosterone levels. I am willing to compromise and have my penis circumcised and let them have the foreskin, but that is where I draw the line."

"Huh he's not already circumcised? Jeez I hope he washes that thing thoroughly before Michele goes down on it. Anyway I and most other Americans must insist that the president cease denying Americans what is rightfully theirs. Foreskin and testicles is not enough. We want black cock!" said Senator John McCain during a bi-partisan health care conference. "Look, you guys don't even want my penis, your thinking it is huge based on stereotypes about black people, but I assure you I have a very small penis that would not look at all impressive pickled in a jar" said the president. McCain responded "don't be condescending, I've seen black penises of all sizes, it is the principle of this thing, not the length and girth." Recent polling indicates that ten percent of Americans want the president to have his testicles surgically removed. Another 15 percent favor removing both the penis and the testicles. Another 9 percent favor circumcision and castration. The remainder of the respondents replied to the question, What the Fuck!

Rahm Emmanuel Evil Jewish Wizard According to Sources

Washington-There have been a flurry of reports and editorials concerning White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel and his impact upon White House policy. None however is as explosive as this story News From Hell has obtained from an anonymous source somewhere in the District of Columbia. According to this source, Rahm Emmanuel is a devotee of the dark side of Kabalic mysticism and is holding the Obamas in a Rasputin like grip. It began before Obama even took office when Rahm began acting as a medium between Obama and his recently deceased mother. Rahm's control over the Obama family grew complete when Malia Obama was tragically mauled to death by Bo Obama sometime last Spring. Distraught, Obama brought his daughter's shattered corpse to Emanuele's underground layer. The Hebrew wizard agreed to resurrect Malia in exchange for a sacrifice-to resurrect Malia single payer health insurance was to be abandoned. Obama is not the only Democratic politician in Emanuel's grip, it is reported that every fortnight Nancy Pelosi slinks into the crypt of Rahm to beg for more of a magical potion that prevents her face from blowing off whenever there is strong gust of wind.

SOTU Analyses: Who Farted And What Does it Mean?

Washington--A full day after President Obama's historic first state of the union address the nation is abuzz over an burst of flatulence heard during the speech. The implications are staggering, as an audible fart has not occurred in a joint session of congress since the nineteenth century and never during a state of the union address.

Was it an accidental fart? Was it a fart of glee from a supporter too overridden by a stirring speech to hold in their fart any longer? Or was it a deliberate fart of defiance? To get the bottom of the question (so to speak), we put the full technological resources of our NFH newsroom to the task of determining the origin point of the fart. By analysing variouse recourdings of the speech from differnet parts of the chamber, we have determined that there is a 90% certainty that the fart originated from the seated Supreme Court Justices. Was it indeed a fart of defiance let out by Justice Alito as he visibly said "not true" to the president? Or was it a more innocent fart from Justice Sottomayor or Justice Ginsburg? We may never know the true origin of the fart heard around the world, but there is one thing that we can be certain of. The fact that Obama, despite being heralded as a great orator , has been drowned out by a single brief wisp of flatulence in our coverage of his speech clearly demonstrates what a colossal failure he is.

Breaking News: James O'Keefe Releases Statement

New Orleans--James O'Keefe, a conservative activist recently arrested for allegedly attempting to bug a Senator's office phone has released the following statement: Greetings my fellow Americans. Right now there is probably a lot of shit flinging around in blog land about me and my comrades. Claims that we are a gang of out of touch, privileged, young Republicans who seriously thought that we could get away with tapping the phone of a US Senator. Accusations that we are not serious investigative reporters, but partisan hacks looking to embarrass Democrats.

The truth is as follows. Yes, we did attempt to bug the office phone of Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu. Contrary to recent reports, we did not do this in order to try to expose any wrongdoing or embarrassing behavior on the part of the senator. We also knew full well that what we did would eventually get us all arrested and charged with federal crimes. You see America, we want to go to prison and this was the most harmless way we could think of to get ourselves locked away for five to ten years.

We are not partisan hacks. My comrades and I are genuinely concerned about all abuses committed against society by the powerful and if there is a place where big government, big labor, and big business combine to create hell on earth, it is prison. We are treading into the lair of the beast to expose it. We do this at great risk to ourselves because we are patriots dedicated to bringing to the truth to the American people.

Freedom!!!!!!!!!

DougJ is Kind of a Douchebag When You Get Right Down to It

I don’t like DougJ. He hogs too much of John Cole's blog with his posts, he’s not as smart or cute as he thinks he is, he’s smug, and the only thing that saves Balloon Juice from being a bore are John Cole and the funny commentators. I don’t expect any of you to agree with me about this. I’m just calling it like I see it.

His post calling John Stewart a douchebag for not being an knee jerk lefty and meeting his vague standards of humor has to be considered one of Balloon Juice's lowest moments at this point

Progresive Voters Shocked to Find Obama is Really Bill Clinton in Black Face

Washington--A full year after the historic election of America's first African American President, many former supporters have made a shocking discovery, that Barrack Obama is in fact William Jefferson Clinton in black face. The strangely late discovery has left many progressives devastated. David Millman, an Austin, Texas based artist has been left curling up in a fetal position most nights, cursing the cruel God that birthed him. "I should have known from the beginning" he said mournfully from his rusted up VW bus. "I had some suspicions when I saw that Joker poster of Obama, but I just assumed the resemblance to Clinton was coincidental...then I heard he wanted a spending freeze and when I looked at the picture it hit me, he's fucking Bill Clinton in black face! Bill who ended welfare as we knew it and forced me to work at K-mart to support myself. I helped that devil get elected president again".

Anessa Finkelstein, an 20 year old college student who was a first time voter in 2008 is similarly devastated. "I spent all this time campaigning for what I thought was an awesome Black Muslim who would legalize gay marriage and pot, end war and enact single payer health insurance. I used to taunt all my pro-Hilary friends about how they were voting for a greedy power hungry bitch who was part of the evil establishment, while Obama was like a superhero out to save the whales. God do I feel stupid. I will never vote again. For all I care Sarah Palin can be president and do whatever she wants to do, it can't be worse than four more years under the Clintons."

The recent discovery has produced major outbursts in the blogosphere and on MSNBC, but it has also sadly cost the life of one former Obama supporter. Early yesterday the Obamagirl who campaigned for Obama on Youtube was found dead from self inflicted knife wounds. She is reputed to have written "I'm no Fucking Monica" in her own blood before expiring.

President Reveals Ambitiouse Time Travel Agenda in State of the Union

Washington--In his first state of the union address President Obama offered a surprisingly critical assessment of his first year as president, claiming that the stimulus was "too small ,like George Castanzas penis after a swim in the pool" and that his attempt to reform the nation's health care system was a "monumental cluster fuck." Obama dweled further on the matter stating "I thought that if I just sat back and said reassuring shit about bi-partisanship and vague bullshit about what health care reform would look like, that this collection of sociopath lawyers we call congress could get a reform bill passed in a timely manner. Fuck, I even thought town meetings would be venues for real question and answer sessions instead of places for aged, uneducated white trash to yell about socialism while they collect social security checks...and just when it seems like we're gonna get this bitch passed through congress, the Massachusetts fucking Democrats lose a fucking special election to another fucking republican who wants to show everyone his dick. Hallyfuckinglula! All because they had to run John Kerry's tranny cousin instead of someone who did not bore and repulse everyone in the fucking state."

Following the unusually blunt and expletive laden tyrade concerning the state of his presidency, Obama revealed his plan to resuscitate both the Democratic Party and the nation. Obama's plan calls for 100 billion dollars to be spent on a time machine. Once completed, the president shall travel back in time to 1993 in order to warn the newly sworn in President Clinton about the catastrophes that await the nation; the failure to pass health care reform, the repeal of the Glass Steigal Act, the bubble economy of the 2000's, and September 11th. Obama hopes that the changes to the timeline will allow him to return to the present as president of a much more peaceful and prosperous United States. Immediate Repulican response was critical with Michelle Bachman of Minnesota stating: "this sounds very expensive...instead of spending billions of dollars trying to achieve time travel through science, we should look to magic...all we need to do is capture a leprechaun or a genie and force him to grant our time travel wish."Concerning the possibility that he may arrive from the past to find a United States that is not any better off, Obama stated "If things are not any better than I'll time travel one more time to tell my parents to immigrate to Canada so I can watch this right wing hellhole go third world from the Prime Ministers office in Ottatwa...suck on that you shit eating teabaggers!"

Sarah Palin Weighs in on Whether President is a Klingon.

Washington D.C.--In an appearance on Fox News last night, Ex-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin addressed the recent controversy over whether Barrack Obama is a Klingon, stating "I do not know if Obama is a Klingon, but I do believe whether or not the president was born on this planet is a legitimate question to ask." The controversy erupted last week when World Net Daily displayed a Klingon Birth Certificate purportedly showing that Barack Obama was born in the first city of Qu'noS as opposed to Honolulu, Hawaii. If authentic, the document would constitutionally invalidate Obama's presidency.

White House Press Secreatary William Gibbs responded to the controversy this morning stating "It is a documented fact that the President was born in Honolulu Hawaii. It is also fact that Klingons do not exist. They are a fictional race of aliens from a TV show." Hours later during his program on Fox News Glen Beck fired back at Gibbs saying "This is yet another bald faced lie from the Obama administration...according to the laws of pantheistic solipsism all the worlds we imagine exist as parallel universes...therefore, the existence of Klingons is fact and Obama may be one of them given his physiognomy..I am not saying that he is one, but we must all be open to the possibility that instead of merely being a black Muslim attempting to impose Islamo-Fascism-Marxism upon our great nation, that he is a Klingon agent attempting to impose their barbaric and alien ideas of honor upon our great nation. We must continue to ask questions, if there is to continue to be an America."The president could not be reached for comment before this article was published.